"I will never home school!"

A funny thing about parenting. If you say you will never do something the Universe will laugh at you and prove you wrong.

"I will never use formula"- Here is a baby that cant latch
"I will never cloth diaper"- Oh you cant breastfeed. Formula and diapers are expensive.
"I will never bedshare"- Here is your second child that will only sleep if held

I learned pretty quick to not make definitive statements about parenting choices. I also became less judgemental about other peoples parenting choices.

I apparently did not learn my lesson completely though. I have said many times over the last 8 years of parenting that I would never homeschool. What is funny is that while I would say it I would flirt with the idea of homeschooling.

I have two big reasons why I didn't want to homeschool. I wasn't making a sweeping uninformed statement. I have so many friends who homeschool and are amazing parents and teachers. I am in awe of their ability and I just could not see myself filling that role.

The first reason was a lack of confidence in myself. There is one large reason but the rest of it is just a self confidence issue. I have always suspected that I have dyslexia. In the last year that suspicion has turned to a knowing, though I have not had a formal test done and I wont. I always knew I had very bad fluency. I love to read and I realized a few years ago that I read every sentence 2-3 times, it is something I automatically do. I now know why I do that. I use the first time to decode the words and then the second time to comprehend. Fantasy books (my favorite type of book) often have made up words that I have not memorized making the process of decoding harder and so I often need 3 times to comprehend. When my oldest started Kindergarten and I started to actively try to help her read things I realized I did not know how to sound out words. I have memorized every word I know. These aspects lead me to not have the confidence to teach my children how to read. If I cant properly sound out words how can I teach them. I have done so much dyslexia research in the last 2 years. I believe my lack of confidence in most things stems from my dyslexia.  My research has taught me small things I do are because of dyslexia, things I thought were normal or just quirks of mine. I also know now that I could outsource that part of learning. If we continue homeschool past this coming school year we will outsource to a Orton-Gillingham tutor.

The second reason is that I am very introverted and have social anxiety. My friends will all be surprised to hear that because I have worked very hard to continually put myself in social situations. But I am most comfortable being in my house and not leaving. This has 2 impacts on a homeschool situation. The first is getting social interaction for your children. I would need to constantly fight my nature to push us to leave the house. We have also moved several times and each time I have to build that network of friends. My friends I have in this city are all moms of kids that were in my daughters kindergarten class. A formal school is an easier way to make friends in a new city. We lived here for over a year before I met these women, most of whom all live within a half mile of my house. I tried so hard to put myself out there in that first year, I went to groups and activities and I was stressed beyond belief the whole time. But something clicked with these women and I am so thankful. I would not have this small village of support if it was not for the public school. The other side of this introverted aspect is that it is very hard to be introverted at home with 3 children all day. I love them dearly but the constant touching and talking is hard to handle. The small break I get when my kids are at school is very helpful for my mental health. All of my children do not go to school at the same time and the youngest is only 1 so I am never truely alone but nap times are the small break I need. I fully subscribe to the fact that I am a better mom when I have a small amount of "me time". That me time will be very hard for me to get when homeschooling which quarantine has shown to me. It is something my husband and I have talked about and we will continue to work on making sure that I get protected "me time" so that I can be a better mom.

These are some pretty deep reasons behind my "I will never homeschool" statement. As with all things we grow as parents and learn how to cope and manage different weaknesses we have. I am still scared that I will not be enough and that I will "mess up" somehow but I feel more prepared now than I would have a few years ago. I am not going to say we are not homeschooling past this year but I will also not say that we will always homeschool. We are going to make school choices each year based on what our children's need are and what is best for the family.

Stuff about me

This is the post about me in case you care about any of this stuff. Im in my early 30s. I met my husband in college and we have been married 10 years and we have 3 kids. I have a bachelors degree in Human Nutrition, Foods and Exercise. I ended up being a personal trainer and fitness instructor after college. It wasn't the plan but it was the job I could get. When my oldest child was born I went part time and was the primary care giver. When my second child turned 6 months old I quit and became a full time stay at home mom.

I am obsessed with coffee. I drink it all day, everyday. I love to read. My favorite genre is Fantasy and science fiction. Though I have been known to fall in the kindle unlimited trashy romance hole.  My main parenting philosophy is Survival! I tend to workout a lot and I live in leggings. Besides that there is not much else that is interesting about me.